The wedding season is full-on and bells are ringing in all directions. Outfits and festivities are the order of the day. Choosing a life partner is such an important decision, not one to be made lightly. Duh! You may think, but you’d be surprised how many of us make this huge decision with not much thought. This got me thinking about my own memory when I made this very life-changing decision. When it comes to choosing a life partner, one size DOES NOT fit all.
At times when people are in relationships, they are unsure about certain aspects of their partners’ mannerism or character or even beliefs. We then let “love” lead and ignore some of the things we are concerned about, discounting them as unreasonable or convincing ourself that it’s not that bad. There’s a saying, “love is blind.” It seems there’s something about love that makes one blind to misdemeanours until people are married, then there’s miraculous healing and the errors are so glaring.
I once attended a friend’s wedding with a boyfriend whom I was looking forward to introducing to my then pastor as my husband to be. Upon introduction, the Pastor’s wife, Pastor Stephanie slowly but steadily shook her head. “Something is off,” she began and shook her head once more. “It sort of, kind of, almost fits but not quite.” Disappointment settled in my heart because deep down I knew exactly what she was talking about but I wasn’t really prepared to hear that. Or to make any admissions to that fact. “I feel like you’re trying to make a circle fit into an oval shape and from far it sort of looks like it fits but, on close inspection, not really. I don’t know him and I’m sure he’s a great guy, he’s definitely handsome and you guys look great together, but something is off and I think you know it too.” She concluded and that was the end of the conversation.
She wasn’t the only one who felt this way; at least she was honest about it. Others also told me a similar thing but I wouldn’t change my mind. I was going to get married and I would pray everything through.
In our desperation as women, we tend to settle for what is not God’s best for us because we are more fearful of the thought of being alone than braving waiting, or living a single life. For how long? We wonder. What if this is my only chance? What if no one else asks me to marry them? We then make the big mistake of entering into marriages for wrong motives and with men whom we love at their potential, or at how they’ll be ‘when’ they change. If you were to honestly accept your boyfriend/ fiancé as he is right now, would you still marry him? Are you not more in love with what he could become? So he’s your little project right? You’ll change his wardrobe, his hairstyle, his partying lifestyle and his careless use of money. Once you’re done with him he’ll be a different man right? So we marry men and then turn our marriages into little reformatory schools for people we’ve vowed to love. Often they never live up to our expectations and poor guys fail the test they never knew they were taking.
I have no doubt that as women we have a great impact and influence over the men in our lives. So it’s not that I’m speaking against. No one is perfect so you’re never going to find a perfect guy who ticks all the boxes. All men, just like us have weaknesses or areas we don’t like about them, or that they won’t like about us. But you have to be ok with his weaknesses. You can pray for them but they have to be the kind that you’re willing to live with in case he never changes. Suppose your boyfriend is untidy as a way of example. Is it a deal breaker for you or not? Perhaps he loves on you and spoils you but he chooses to go to gym on Sunday morning instead of church. If what you want is a man who’s passionate about the things of God, will you be able to stand your ground or be swept by the tide? Are you resolute about the things that are deal breakers or are you waiting to get totally in love and try to reevaluate then? This may not work.
I’ve said a lot in my previous blog regarding focusing on a wedding rather than the marriage which you can read HERE. Oh yes! By all means look forward to the wedding. It’s an amazing celebration that should be thoroughly enjoyed. Wear that lavish dress and go all out to make it the most memorable day of your life. Be ravishing, after all we dream of this this day from childhood and it should be as beautiful as you’d like to have it.
But before you say ‘I do,’ as best as you possibly can, make sure in your heart you’re sure about the man you’re about to walk the aisle with. If you’re unsure, rather wait. Often I wonder how things would have turned out for me had I listened and waited a bit. Why do we often feel the need to rush into a marriage? At times especially as Christians we tend to run away from fornication and into marriage and for some this is like out of the pot into the fire. Now sex in Christian relationships is a blog for another day. So, choose wisely. Don’t lie to yourself. If you have a problem with something that hasn’t changed while you were dating, and it’s a serious deal breakter for you, then by all means, take a pause and evaluate. What’s a few months of prayer and counsel vs a lifetime? Be honest with yourself. At times it won’t be something that’s glaring. So perhaps he does got to church. So it’s not that it’s a triangle trying to fit into a circle. It could be a square trying to fit into a rectangle. So it’s not totally off but not right either. What I know is that God speaks to us. Are we listening?
We are expects at selling ourselves a lie. We know how to talk ourselves into anything. Let it not be on choosing a mate.
Boitumelo Vero Rikhotso 