Boitumelo Vero Rikhotso

Destined for greatness!

Is happiness the real purpose of marriage?  April 24, 2017

Filed under: Life,Relationships — Boitumelo Vero Rikhotso @ 4:18 am
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We sometimes say we leave marriages because we are no longer happy and God wants us to be happy. How true is this statement though? Are we supposed to be getting married to be happy? Shouldn’t we be happy beings before getting married? Placing this much responsibility of your own happiness on another party is both unfair and unrealistic because people are fallible. We will disappoint them and they will disappoint us. So often times we get married for the purpose of being happy. This kind of thinking bothers me because it precludes that my happiness is dependent on another person doing something I want/like/agree with, an event or something outside of me, and something yet to come. So essentially until I acquire that, my happiness is on standby, and happiness is always in the future.  I am not happy because I don’t have a car I want, or I am not happy because I don’t have the job I want, I am not happy because I don’t have a bigger house, or I am not happy because I have no kids or because I’m still single. So in this context then, it’s like marriage becomes the end (happiness) and until then, a person kind of exists in a holding position.

I believe this is why people can sometimes feel stuck or bored after getting married for a certain period. Could this be because people put so much expectations on a marriage or on a partner than it / they are able to hold? How about we look at marriage perhaps as a means to an end instead of the end? In the beginning of time, God created man and put him in a garden before giving him a companion. So this teaches us a life principle. Perhaps one needs to tend to their own ‘garden’ call it purpose, assignment etc… ideally (as far possible as they can) before they get married. This way, marriage then becomes a vehicle through which God affords both of you the awesome privilege to experience someone coming along side you, in support of your bigger purpose. So I submit that we shouldn’t be getting married just to get married or to be happy, or even just because we love each other. Because when we are done saying we love each other, and are having all the sex we can have, what else do we do and talk about? What else connects us other than our physicality? In our quest to avoid sexual immorality, we sometimes get married for the wrong reasons. How about we then look at happiness as a by product of a good marriage instead of its purpose? How about we re-look the reasons we are getting married? Is it for ourselves and our own needs? The Bible encourages us to do all we do for His glory (1 Cor 10:31). So whether we are pursuing contentment in our single lives or faithfully trusting God for a marriage, it should all be for His glory.

I have no definitive proof but I believe unhappy singles make unhappy couples because all that’s changed would be your marital status. Otherwise you’re the same person, just with someone you’ve promised forever to and whether or not you’ll be able to live those vows is a matter of time. I like to say, be content where you are. Let God use you where you find yourself and be happy in your current season. If you are not enough without it (whatever the ‘it’ in your life represents), you will not be enough with it.

 

I have a new name… April 17, 2017

Upon a cross they hung a man who redefined who I am….

I have worn the label ‘divorcee’ with so much regret, shame, guilt, condemnation, and humiliation. I use the word ‘worn’ because that’s exactly what I feel I did. I woke up each morning and put on the label as one would wear a garment or shackles that are so weighty and often began my days with an outlook of defeat, being unwanted, unloved and shamed. Some of the feelings were real but some were only perceived. Oh the mind – so powerful. I could not see myself as anything else other than a divorcee shunned forever with no hope of ever finding her footing in the kingdom again. Maybe this may be difficult for others to comprehend, but I’m sure those who’ve walked the path will understand especially when you feel responsible for the act. Having been the one that walked away, I carried a lot of guilt over the decision and agonized for years over the responsibility I felt I had even before the marriage. Taking sole responsibility was of course misplaced but holding on to the label and torment felt right. It felt like punishment I deserved for my iniquitous actions. It’s like when you’ve sinned and you try in vain to wash it off from your flesh and mind. Futile exercise because none of us can wash sin away so the cycle continues.

For the first time in 4 years I can finally say I have forgiven myself. The past Christmas and the recent Passover were very significant in my rebirth. It is a journey I’ll continuously write about because I’m learning so much in the process that I want to share. But no longer am I going to sit in my ashes of guilt and shame when God offers love, forgiveness, peace and joy. So I wake up to my authority and identity in Him. A beloved daughter of the most high God. That is my new name. BELOVED! I have been reminding myself of all He’s spoken over my life from when I was still young, and I can still see His fingerprints at work. He confirms His covenant over my life daily and I’m learning to receive again from a God I thought wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

One thing is sure, the ishmaels and messes of my life will no longer define who I am. I will no longer give myself labels. I will no longer allow others to label me. I have surrendered all naming rights to the One who believed I was worthy enough to die for, even before I took my first breath. That for me is still hard to comprehend. In my excitement I called a friend to share what God had done for me. She quickly told me I was deceived and that I was finding ways to justify myself. Maybe I am, but a gospel that only works when I’ve behaved perfectly, but fails spectacularly when I’ve misbehaved is no gospel at all.

Today I leave my divorce at the cross, where it belongs, never to remove it again. It was nailed with Christ as He was bruised for my sake, and there I leave it. Healing may be a journey, but as far as forgiveness is concerned – all settled at the cross. It was for freedom that Christ set us free. Freedom is his standard. Enough torture, enough torment, enough accusations and enough condemnation. I am free!

Upon a cross they hung a man who redefined who I am….

 

This might be the end of my bad hair days…I hope :) April 11, 2017


My natural hair journey has been nothing short of dramatic. Often I watched different girls proudly showing off their crowns and wondered how in the world they got it right because I seemed to be on a collision course with my tresses. In the midst of an influx of YouTube videos, blogs, Facebook posts and magazine articles about natural hair tips, my own hair still eluded me. I had bought and tried so many different hair products, drank hair tablets, experimented with various moisturizing methods; LOC, LCO, OLOC and whatever else but no matter what I tried, I just couldn’t find my hair’s sweet spot. My hair was just dry full stop.

So in May 2016 when stress and bad henna treatments resulted in all my hair going down the drain, literally, I decided it was time for a hair detox. I was going to keep my hair short, brush cut for about a year, give away my cupboard-full of hair products, and only use what was left over. I then vowed not to spend another dime on a new product whether locally bought or imported. I was done with all the ‘miracle’ products craze. Gosh! There’s nothing natural about the prices of some of these products. Yo, hectic! There was one product though I was going to keep using especially for my hairline, the T444Z as I had seen great results from it.

Fast forward to April 2017, the detox has paid off. I have really enjoyed not worrying about length or what to do with my hair. Short hair is such bliss though. But, I’ve decided to give long hair another try. As I was only using what was left over from last year’s detox, I found the combination of these two products to be quite the thing which happened quite by accident. My hair loooooves these and for the first time, I know what moisturized natural hair actually feels like. Wow to the max!

Elvive Total Repair (5) Leave-in Conditioner
Much has been said about how natural haired people shouldn’t use products made for non-afro rocking folks. As for me and my afro, aka “Lush,” we love this leave-in. It is milky in consistency and sprays on with ease. I bought it in 2016 at Clicks or Foschini for about R70.

Aunt Jackie’s Curl la la Defining Curl Custard
This product is amazing. I love the smell and what it does for my hair. Absolutely fabulous dot com! I know it’s for curl definition but I use it as a moisturizer and I am happy. The custard has a smooth, wobbly, medium custard-like consistency and spreads very easily. I about R2 size amount since my hair is still short. I bought this product in 2016 at Clicks for about R60.

Consistency

Finally! Let’s hope the combo works even on longer hair as I begin the journey of growing my hair again.

Method:
After washing my hair, I allow it to dry a little bit to just damp. Then I spray a bit of the leave-in, rub it into the scalp and hair, then follow with custard. Each morning I spray the leave-in and then follow up custard – easy peasy!

Nutshell:
Those who haven’t found what their hair loves yet, don’t despair. Sometimes all it takes is a mix up of the products you currently have.