Life, Relationships

I have a new name…

Upon a cross they hung a man who redefined who I am!

I have worn the label ‘divorcee’ with so much regret, shame, guilt, condemnation, and humiliation. I use the word ‘worn’ because that’s exactly what I feel I did. I woke up each morning and put on the label as one would wear a garment or shackles that are so weighty and often began my days with an outlook of defeat, being unwanted, unloved and shamed. Some of the feelings were real but some were only perceived. Oh the mind – so powerful. I could not see myself as anything else other than a divorcee shunned forever with no hope of ever finding her footing in the kingdom again. Maybe this may be difficult for others to comprehend, but I’m sure those who’ve walked the path will understand, especially when you feel responsible for the act. Having been the one that walked away, I carried a lot of guilt over the decision and I agonized for years over the responsibility I felt I had even before the marriage. Taking sole responsibility was of course misplaced but holding on to the label and torment felt right. It felt like punishment I deserved for my iniquitous actions. It’s like when you’ve sinned and you try in vain to wash it off from your flesh and mind. Futile exercise because none of us can wash sin away so the cycle continues.

For the first time in 4 years I can finally say I have forgiven myself. The past Christmas and the recent Passover were very significant in my rebirth. It is a journey I’ll continuously write about because I’m learning so much in the process that I want to share. But no longer am I going to sit in my ashes of guilt and shame when God offers love, forgiveness, peace and joy. So I wake up to my authority and identity in Him. A beloved daughter of the most high God. That is my new name. BELOVED! I have been reminding myself of all He’s spoken over my life from when I was still young, and I can still see His fingerprints at work. He confirms His covenant over my life daily and I’m learning to receive again from a God I thought wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

One thing is sure, the Ishmaels and messes of my life will no longer define who I am. I will no longer give myself labels. I will no longer allow others to label me. I have surrendered all naming rights to the One who believed I was worthy enough to die for, even before I took my first breath, or committed my first sin. That for me is still hard to comprehend. In my excitement I called a friend to share what God had done for me. She quickly told me I was deceived and that I was finding ways to justify myself. Maybe I am, but a gospel that only works when I’ve behaved perfectly, but fails spectacularly when I’ve misbehaved is no gospel at all.

Today I leave my divorce at the cross, where it belongs, never to pick it up again. It was nailed with Christ as He was bruised for my sake, and there I leave it. Healing may be a journey, but as far as forgiveness is concerned – all settled at the cross. It was for freedom that Christ set us free. Freedom is his standard. Enough torture, enough torment, enough accusations and enough condemnation. I am free!

Upon a cross they hung a man who redefined who I am!

See some of the few lessons divorce has taught me here…

12 thoughts on “I have a new name…”

  1. We thank God for the new name, Beloved, and especially for the rebirth. It’s a new season. This also shows the power of a decision. You could have decided to stay there forever. We’re grateful for God’s grace upon your life. Go ahead and share your story. It will heal many.

  2. Very encouraging blog to the hopeless that there is still hope for them regardless of what they have passed through in life.
    Jesus paid the price and took away sin of the whole world, no one has the right to condemn or call you names.
    I’m glad you have conquered silent Goliath.
    Shalom with your new identity.

  3. Having walked this path I understand Beloved. I celebrate what He has done for you, you are indeed loved by Him. Love you Tumi.

  4. I absolutely love this piece Ausi Tumi. Thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing some of your deep battles in your healing journey. I relate so much with what you’ve shared. I am feeling encouraged and have drawn so many lessons on how to take note of some of the labels that I have accepted and need to leave at cross. Thank you. I look forward to your next blog.

    1. Oh darling Hlapho! We are connected in so many ways because we belong to the same family. A family of Christ where we carry each other and each other’s burdens. May you wake up to the fact that He loves you beyond comprehension. We like saying ‘the finished work of the cross,’ but I think we easily forget. The finished work is explicitly that – finished. We can only walk in and receive such great a gift. 💕

  5. That is so powerful!

    I thank God that you are free! You’ve accepted the forgiveness that our King offers us and you are living your life free of a weight that once weighed you down.

    Continue to trust in God, accept His forgiveness and live a life that is free and submitted to Jesus Christ.

      1. You are far too kind. Thank you for sharing and continue helping others through the lessons that God teaches you.

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